Motivation
I admit it: I want what every gay guy wants…
Sex.
Er… No. Well, I mean… Yes, I do want sex, but I don’t want meaningless sex or casual sex or anonymous sex or any of the other kinds of sex that the stereotypical gay guy wants.
Instead I want what many (most?) real gay guys want: a meaningful romantic relationship.
I caught a glimpse of what such a relationship could be like a couple of months ago. That brief experience made me want it even more.
But how do I find it?
To be honest, I’m not sure anyone knows. In fact, I’ve come to believe that I can’t go looking for a meaningful relationship. My efforts to find it will inevitably make it less likely that it will actually happen. It will take some mysterious alignment of the stars and the fortuitous collision of two compatible souls.
But… Is there anything I can do to increase the likelihood of that collision happening?
A few months ago (before the relationship mentioned above) a good friend said to me (paraphrased):
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you want to find a good-looking guy you really need to lose 15 pounds.
I know, ouch, right?
The thing is, from what I’ve observed in my (admittedly limited) experience in the gay dating world, he’s probably right.
I can tell myself that anyone worth dating is going to be able to look past physical appearance and see what a great guy I am and be willing to get to know me and see where things go.
But in the very appearance-centered gay world, there are always guys younger and hotter—who are very likely also great guys—so why waste effort on someone who obviously can’t be bothered to take care of himself?
To be honest, I’m somewhat guilty of this attitude myself. For me the thought process goes something like this…
I’ve put a considerable amount of time, effort, sweat and tears into reaching the point where I can freely and comfortably acknowledge that I’m attracted to guys—and into deciding to completely overhaul my relationship with my wife so that I can allow myself to live “true” to those attractions.
… So if I’m going to disrupt my life and bring the disapproval and disappointment of family down on my head (by pursuing a relationship with a guy), then I’m damn well going to make sure that that relationship (when it happens) is with a guy I’m attracted to in every way (physically, romantically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, etc.). If I was going to “settle” for someone who I wasn’t attracted to, I could save myself the grief and just remain with Sarah.
And, as much as I can acknowledge that the guys I don’t find attractive are “great guys” who I can probably be great friends with, I can’t control who I’m actually attracted enough to to make a romantic relationship worthwhile—I can’t control what features and characteristics my mind and body see as romantically, physically, sexually attractive.
The long and short of all that is this: While I’m completely open to being friends with anyone and everyone who has the characteristics (emotionally, personality-wise, etc.) that I’m looking for in a friend, I’m not going to pursue a romantic relationship with anyone who doesn’t turn me on.
… And neither is just about any other gay guy (perhaps for similar reasons, or perhaps for reasons of their own).
So if I want a relationship with a man who I’m attracted to, I need to do whatever I can to increase the chance that the guys I’m attracted to will be attracted back.
I need to lose that 15 pounds.
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Scot.
Please change your thinking about this. I am right now in LOVE for the first time ever in my life. I was married to an amazing guy for 11 years but after a brief time of severe depression and anxiety and intensive therapy, I finally came to the realization that I was not in love with my husband and the father of my three girls.
I became friends around that time with a middle-aged chain-smoking harley-riding ruffian whom I was NOT attracted to. It was through this friendship that I discovered the most amazing kind and caring person I’ve ever known. NOW I am so attracted to him, I want to spend every extra moment in my life with him. He is my world. Had you asked me when I met him if this would happen, I would have laughed in your face.
Please, just love yourself as you are now and the rest will work itself out. I love you and I love your blog! Keep it up!
Nicole
@Nicole, thanks for your input.
I’m actually entirely open to the possibility of falling in love with someone who might initially be no more than a friend (and for whom there was no physical attraction initially). I’m certainly not going to refrain from befriending people who I’m not attracted to—I’m always open to making new friends!
But there’s a difference to being open to developing a romantic relationship and actively pursuing one and (for better or for worse) I’m not inclined to the latter with people I’m not physically/romantically attracted to.
The main point of this post, though, was that regardless of how I feel about relationships and the potential for romance, most gay guys place significant emphasis on physical attraction—so if I want to increase my chances of being noticed by guys (and therefore my chances of finding a romantic relationship) I should consider doing what I can to make myself more attractive, or to develop the characteristics (lean, toned, etc.) that are considered “attractive” by the majority of gay guys.
(And, for what it’s worth, that doesn’t mean I don’t love myself the way I am. In fact, I think I’m a great guy, and reasonably attractive already. But there’s nothing wrong with trying to improve myself [and my chances at getting noticed]).
Scot,
One of the toughest things for me about coming out was that prior to coming out I first had to reject the value system and beliefs I had grown up with.
My old value system and beliefs excluded gay people from my worldview. To accept my homosexuality, I had to reject that old value system and set of beliefs.
Not having a value system and set of beliefs left me adrift. I no longer knew what to value or believe.
To compound matters, I thought I had to change who I was to fit into the gay world.
The gay world is very open to trying out new values and beliefs and for a while I tried on new values and beliefs like some people try on new shirts.
I also tried on new behaviors and attitudes to try to fit in.
Some of this exploring and experimenting was necessary to get a better sense of who I was, what I valued and what I truly believed.
But a lot of the values, beliefs, behaviors, attitudes floating around in the gay world turned out not to be healthy for me but I guess I needed to find out the hard way befoe that realization sinked in.
In the end what I learned is that old saying “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”.
Most of my old values and beliefs were solid. And I was a great gay person just the way I was. I just needed to expand those values and beliefs to include gay people. I just needed to address whatever issues I had with my sexuality to get comfortable in my own skin.
For instance, I expanded my definition of family, parenthood, relationships to include gay folks.
And I realized there was no one way to be gay and I didn’t have to fit anyone else’s perception of what a gay person should be like.
You are probably way ahead of where I was out the first few years but I am suggesting to you is that you don’t have to remake yourself into something you are not to fit into the gay world. You are fine just the way you are. And you have to be true to yourself even if that means not fitting in with everything that goes on in the gay or the straight world.
In other words, you don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just tweak what is probably an otherwise very good value system and set of beliefs to include people like you and me. Just be yourself and work towards getting more comfortable with who you are (and that takes time).
Regards,
Philip
I agree, and I actually feel like I’ve gotten really good these last couple of years at “not fitting in” for the sake of being true to myself. Obviously embracing my orientation (being true to myself) has made me not fit in as well in former relationships with church, family, and friends.
And you’re right—I really don’t want to trade one mode of conformity for another.
I could be deluding myself, of course, but I don’t think that that’s what this post is about… I’ve always wanted to be more fit and to look more like my own vision of the ideal male body. I just haven’t wanted it badly enough to actually put consistent effort into doing anything about it.
Now, with the added incentive of increasing my odds of attracting a great guy, I’ve been pushed over the edge and actually find myself wanting to go to the gym.
(That’s why the post is titled “Motivation”)
Scott,
What I posted about is not in anyway a criticism of what you originally wrote.
It’s just that you have a new blog about the new direction you are taking and I just wanted to share what it was like for me when I first ventured out of the closet and into the gay community.
I picked “Motivation” out of all your posts because it struck me as the best fit for what I wanted to say.
But now I see how what I wrote may have been confusing because it was so off topic and/or rude because it was not on topic.
Sorry.
Regards,
Philip
No offense taken at all.
I’ve always appreciated your input and perspective.
Scott, I can totally relate with your thought process – that you just don’t want to settle for anyone after disrupting your life so much by coming out. I came out and left my wife too. But I also found myself like Nicole in falling in love with someone who I was not initially attracted to. Someone who is so different from me and much younger who I was with just for the sex. But then it grew into something more. From time to time I wonder if I am just “settling” but in general it has been great. Paul