Isolated
Ugh.
I started a long rambling post about depression and isolation in an attempt to figure out what’s had me so down lately. I was a thousand words in when I figured out what the problem is. So I’ll make that long story short and focus instead on what I need to do to fix it…
Short version:
I have felt, the last few weeks, like I don’t really have any friends. I try to get out and be social, but even when I’m in a social situation with a lot of people I’m alone. I go to Simply Social alone. I go to karaoke at JAM alone. I went to Lady Gaga alone.
In my abandoned post I was ready to launch into a lamentation about how I don’t have any friends. Everyone I see at Simply Social or at Jam or at concerts or whatever is with someone, whether it’s a boyfriend or partner or just a group of buddies. I’m always by myself (and even when I do run into people I know they’re usually with someone else, and I’m still an outsider).
Of course, I had barely started whining about the situation when it occurred to me that I do have friends, and that I even have friends who invite me to things. Like the three or four parties I’ve gone to in the last month at various friends’ houses.
Problem is, even at those parties I felt alone, isolated, disconnected. In fact, I even feel that way at my own parties.
So here’s the problem as I see it:
First of all, I don’t think I’m entirely imagining things: I really don’t have as many “hang out” types of friends as a lot of gay guys do. That’s not to say that I don’t have any friends at all—just that the friends I do have (who I love dearly) are too busy with life to go out, or don’t like going out, or don’t (often) think to invite me along when they do.
That said: the isolation I feel is probably self-imposed, at least to an extent. When I feel uncomfortably disconnected at a party with a bunch of friends (and alcohol, even) it’s probably largely just me isolating myself by shutting down and withdrawing from the group.
In fact, it’s entirely likely that my withdrawal is obvious enough to others that they are uncomfortable for me, and therefore less likely to invite me to hang out (so I’m probably feeding that problem).
I’ve never really been a social butterfly. I’ve never been comfortable reaching out and initiating conversations and making friends. I think I’m better at it than I used to be, but it still requires an effort that is, at least sometimes, more than I can muster.
So how do I fix this? I want to be social. I want to be able to have fun hanging out with friends. There have been times when I’ve genuinely enjoy going out to eat with friends, or going to the club with friends for dancing or karaoke, or hanging out at a friend’s house, watching a movie or playing games. I don’t want to be a wallflower or shrinking violet or any other floral-based metaphor.
But sometimes the walls between me and others seem unbreakable and insurmountable.
Suggestions?
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I can relate to this a lot. And I to find that I’m the one putting up the walls. For whatever reason, fear, self-doubt, depressed, unrealistic expectations on others, self-loathing… I do it all. Just be aware and don’t hate yourself for doing it. In fact love your self for it. And if you can’t do that, love your self for not being able to love yourself for doing it. Start somewhere.
I get this too! My whole life I have hidden behind others and now that I have lost my Mormon social ties I have to start again. It is sometimes scary as hell but I make myself walk through the fear and set myself small goals e.g. just show up and stay for at least half an hour (bomber excuse for leaving already sorted out!) usually I find that I want to stay longer. I get super nervous ordering drinks at a bar for some reason so even doing that is a big thumbs up from myself.
I try not to get discouraged when friends bail on plans or when I feel like I am the one always organising and never getting invited anywhere. I felt this way yesterday for a while, conversations seemed stunted, I felt like I was so boring and then later on a friend texted me and said she was feeling down and could we catch up for a drink! So then I had this wave of relief where I realised that people DO like me (i think we are the only ones who question that! everyone else likes us! we’re just not convinced of it!!) and that I am interesting and people do want to hang out with me.
As TGD said, believe in yourself and love yourself and the response from people will be real and amazing. I wish I could sit down w/both of you at some funky pub overlooking the ocean and have a good old natter xxxM
I, too, felt that way when I first ‘came out’. I was seeing all these guys who were fit and financially comfortable, neither which I am. I was always trying to fit in by their standards. When I stopped trying to fit in and just be myself, I found I wasn’t so isolated. It took a few years to no longer feel isolated. Then, people wanted to be around me. I realized they’re okay with me not fitting in 100%.
And, yes, I do alot of things alone. I’ve gone to concerts, dinners, gay events, and even the movies alone. I used to wish I didn’t have workaholic and/or involved friends. But, then, I realized that, for me, those are the people I like as friends. The more active they are, the more I like them.
And, also, it’s tough creating new friends when, in the Church, we had ‘instant friends’ from only being friends with other LDS people.
You’ll realize the path of ‘coming out’ and acceptance is going to have ‘supposed obstacles’ that’ll seem like nothing once you deal with them.
Oh, when I move out there, if you still need someone to hang out with, I’d be happy to do so with you. Someone’s gonna have to teach this SLC ‘newbie’ on how to live there.
I think you’ve already answered your own question…
Just take whatever baby step you can to come out of your shell a bit. For example, by calling someone you know (whether you consider them a close friend or not) and asking if they want to do something with you.
Or by reminding yourself that this feeling that nobody wants to connect with you is a lie (it is!), and by countering it with the affirmation that you are both lovable and loved, and that when you are with people, they will want to connect with you if you just make the effort…
It will feel painful and unnatural at first, but the tiniest effort can open things up a bit more, let a bit more sunshine in that will let you see and feel other possibilities…
Well… I think I am going to make some people upset with this but to be honest; I used to be in the same boat as you are now. For me, it was about not feeling completely comfortable with myself. This was especially true before I came but also after I came out as well. I think that people could sense my discomfort and misinterpret it as something negative towards them. When I truly accepted myself for the beautiful person that I am and recognized how much I had to offer, it seems that the rest just fell into place. When I stopped feeling like less, people started seeing me as equal. This also gave me permission to go out and have a lot of fun and build a lot of friendships that I had not previously been able to make.
Step one is being honest with yourself about who you are (Check)
Step two is being honest with your friends and family about who you are (Check)
Step three is about you to accept who you are (this is very different than step one) for the beautiful person that God made you and allow others to see that person (I think this may be your next step…)
Don’t want to tell you what to do, just want to share part of my journey.
All the best,
Barry
Oftentimes, hanging out around town is overrated. My best bonding experiences often happened when I sit around at home with folks and just talk about life.
Hi Scott,
I may be wrong but I think there are a lot of people out there like you and some of them are even gay. That is they feel alone in a crowd; don’t feel like they belong.
I know I find gay crowds even more isolating than straight or mixed crowds because I expect to feel like I fit in; to feel like a member but I just don’t.
For me, it’s my personality. I am so much better with people when it is one on one. I know how to relate to one person at a time; not a crowd.
Some people want to be the center of attention so they need a crowd. They hold court or collect groupies or feel the love of their adoring fans.
I don’t want the attention. I want a relationship. I want someone I can relate to and that can relate back. I want a partner or a friend or a buddy. I want someone that means something to me and I mean something to them.
I could be wrong but people who like crowds don’t seem to be in it for the other person. Just for what gets reflected back to them. Like adoration or laughter or respect.
I guess that’s why I find gay bars superficial and when I have a friend or two that I don’t bother hanging out in those places.
Of course, my friends have a life so sometimes I wish I had more friends or was more outgoing.
But there is something else…
If gay people could be as out as straight people then we wouldn’t have to depend so much on the establishments that cater to gays that are so relatively few and far between.
If gay people could be openly themselves all the time then maybe they would make friends in establishments that are part of their every day lives instead of having to venture out into a community where only other “mostly” gay closeted folks go.
What I am trying to say is that it is hard for most everyone, gay or straight, to makes friends but it is especially difficult for gay people because most gay people are closeted and this relative closetness or lack of openness affects our everyday lives much more than most of us would like to think.
What would gay people be like if we were out in all areas of our lives and not just out in one or two gay establishments on the weekends once or twice a month?
Regards,
Philip
I see a list forming.
I am isolated because…
1) I am not as comfortable in my gay skin as I need to be.
2) I am trying too hard to fit in when I am good enough just as I am.
3) I am just not good at socializing in large groups so I need to accept that’s the way I am.
4) I need to get comfortable enough to be able to come out enough so my pool of possible friends includes ‘gay positive’ straight men and women -and- folks, gay or not, that are different from me (in my opinion, two highly overlooked groups of people in the gay world) .
5) I won’t make the common mistake so many gay people make of thinking every gay person has to be just like me. Therefore, I won’t try to fit into anyone else’s concept of what a gay person is -and- just be myself.
6) All or none of the above.
Regards,
Philip
Thanks for the comments. Still a bit morose, but I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually. I appreciate the support and different perspectives.
Hi Scott,
Sometimes a good way to connect with people is to pursue an activity or cause that you are passionate about and take action. It might be helpful to take some time and think about what it is that you care deeply about. What do you enjoy doing? What are you passionate about? Is there something that you’ve always wanted to explore? I have read your Dichotomy blog and from what I’ve learned about you, you have many interests: Cooking, reading, writing, social issues, teaching, activism, faith. Once you’ve identified what moves you, you might find a way to explore it. This might include something simple like taking a cooking or writing class. Or it might involve something more complex like volunteering at a gay-lesbian community center. I think being active in something that interests you, will not only bring enrichment to your life, but it will introduce you to people who share your passions, and help you to feel like you belong. Doing something with a purpose helps people to connect with each other. Connection forms relationships. Being active with others in something that interests you might also help take away your tendency to be shy and at a loss for conversation. Also, I am not sure how much you have explored support resources for gay men in Utah, but just looking on the web I found one internet site that looks like it might be a good place. You might have already explored this site: http://www.glccu.com/. It looks like an interesting place to get involved.
Also, I hope I am not stepping out of bounds with this suggestion, but have you ever considered meeting with a therapist that specializes in helping gay men? I am not suggesting that you have an emotional issue that needs to be addressed, I just think that therapy can be such a gift in enriching our lives and helping one reach their potential. I have a good friend that came out of the closet in her mid-20′s and had to enter a whole new way of being and this meant finding her place in a world that was brand new to her. Going to a therapist (who happened to be gay) not only helped with her psychological health, but it helped put her in touch with many resources that enabled her to reach her potential as a gay woman.
As an aside, I recently finished reading both Serendipity and Dichotomy and I was very moved by both blogs. I accidentally landed on Sarah’s blog one day and I honestly can’t recall how exactly I got there. I think I was looking up various blogs on motherhood and the acronym MOM (mixed orientation marriage) must have landed me at Sarah’s place. I started reading and I couldn’t stop. I’ve never been much of a blog reader, so yours and Sarah’s blog is my introduction to blogging. We might not have much in common as I am not gay, LDS, or married to a gay man. I am a wife, mom, writer. I was very moved by yours and Sarah’s life, and certainly by your amazing personal strength and love for each other.
I am very sorry for my long-windedness. And I hope I don’t come across as too preachy in my advice.
I wish you much happiness. I think you are beautiful.
~Karen