You Complete Me
It’s one of the most recognizable phrases in an Oscar-winning movie (confession: I haven’t seen “Jerry Maguire”, though it’s on my “to-watch” list). That sentence, and the dialog that surrounds it, is seen by many as a beautifully romantic declaraion of love.
And it’s rubbish.
There’s a term for the sort of relationship the “you complete me” / “better half” mindset encourages: codependent.
This approach to relationships suggests that each of us is merely a half-person, unwhole and incomplete until we find that “other half” who will fit us perfectly. It denigrates the individuals in a relationship and makes them worthless—or at least worth less—without the partner.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for the idea that a healthy relationship with a loving partner can inspire us to be our best selves. I believe absolutely that the best pairings are synergystic—that the partnership can be better than the sum of the partners.
But I also believe that in order for that to happen you need to bring two complete, whole, and strong individuals together, so that each can contribute a full measure of effort and energy to the relationship.
In fact, I believe that the ideal relationship is one in which each partner inspires the other to be a better individual, completely independent of the partnership.
I have some experience with codependency. For nearly fifteen years my sense of self was defined entirely by my relationship with Sarah—or more accurately, by my contributions to that relationship. I believed that it was my job, as her husband, to see to her every need—even to the complete disregard for my own needs. I was lost, emotionally, when I was unable to meet her needs or to serve her or to make her happy.
She completed me, and even the thought of a life without her terrified me, because without her I was less than a whole person.
It’s possible that this abandonment of self was related to my buried attraction to men. Perhaps I hoped to absolve myself of the guilt that those unrecognized attractions dredged up by being the best husband I could be.
In the process I did Sarah a great disservice. I robbed her of countless opportunities for growth. I prevented her from discovering her potential. By insisting that she be my “other half” I made her less than a whole person too.
I’m a recovering codependent. I still haven’t mastered the ability to consider my own needs in addition to (not instead of) Sarah’s. In attempting to learn the skill I’ve overcompensated at times, and been more selfish and less attentive to her needs than I should be (as a friend, if not as a husband). And there are still plenty of occasions when I slip into old ways and define myself by what I can do for her. But I am learning.
It’s been a learning process for Sarah too. She’s had to learn to do for herself things that I haven’t let her do in the past. But after I set her free (against her will, to some extent) I’ve watched her soar, and I’ve been awed by her strength.
My codependent nature has expressed itself in other relationships too—and it’s rarely (if ever) been a good thing. I hope to continue to get better at resisting the compulsion to define myself by others’ needs.
… And I intend to be whole and complete and strong if/when I find someone special (who is also whole and complete) to call “partner”. I intend that he and I will inspire each other to become the best individuals we can be, so that our partnership can be something truly and wholly amazing.
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What happened to your readers and commentors?
I assume you realize that amazing doesn’t mean perfect?
Thanks for helping me soar, I suppose.
Keep in mind that codependency manifests itself not just relationships with people, but with ideas and institutions.
As a single, very independent person, I may disagree. I do think it is a very corny line and one that was reaching for a certain audience. However, I see the part of a relationship as something different (or hopefully, in a healthy relationship, it will be something different).
I think it was Covey that described life in 3 stages: 1) Dependence (babies and kids are reliant on their parents and guardians and teachers), 2) Independence (we learn that we can do it on our own. Sometimes, we think we can do everything!), and 3) Interdependent (we know we can do things on our own, but are much better off sharing and serving and receiving and giving .. than we are on our own).
As for codependence … I couldn’t do it. But, I know a lot of people who get married or “just need” to be with someone. I understand it, but don’t think it is fully healthy.
And that …. is how I “C” things ….